lol a little laugh for the day

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice..
After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK

A grey-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high.

His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

"I was a RAAF pilot based in Darwin.

I played the piano for the Officers' Club ‘Happy Hours’ , for all the guys stationed there during WW2, so here I am. I’m known as the ‘Wing-man/Piano- man’.

I'm the right guy for you!"

The barkeeper/owner wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player.

Business had been falling off.

So, why not give him a try?

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.

By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before.

When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your panties, Baby, I'm Going Balls to the Wall for You," he said.

After guzzling the pint, leaving it empty, he said, "It is one of dozens of songs that I wrote, myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on, into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

After he finished, the ol’ pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second pint, and told the crowd the last song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled.

He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centre-line."

He excused himself and headed for the loo.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, Mr Wing-man/ Piano- man, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your cock is hangin’ out?"





"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Good old QANTAS.
All part of the job……… and thank you for flying Qantas!!

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked,“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.
"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her to explain that to you."

The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros
"You've
done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ......"
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village
and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid
Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day,
feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the
villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed
to protect me from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."